Hard to believe I've made 50 posts here - guess I wrote a little more than I thought. At any rate I have two versions of a query letter and a whole lot of determination at this point. My first version is the quick "here's the logline, here's my name, kthx" while the other has a small synopsis and a little bit about me. After much debate, changes, alterations, cursing and whatnot I decided to run with the logline as so:
"Strange things are happening in the picturesque town of Pine Falls—the local trouble making teens are going missing and showing up dead."
So - we've got a perfect town in which teenagers are getting killed... little bit of conspiracy? How are the teens troublemakers? Who's behind it all? Strange indeed. Hopefully that will be enough to entice some agents and/or production companies to want to read the entire thing and fall in love with it. Or something.
I ordered the 2009 Screenwriter's and Playwright's Marketplace so I can look up some contact info for people that might be interested in my screenplays. My romantic comedy is good to go as well in case they want to look at more of my work, so I got that going for me.
While waiting for the book to come in I've taken it upon myself to submit to three different places I've found through google the production companies Paradiso Picture, Newlove Films, and the agents of Greyline Entertainment. I did not see them on any of the "beware" lists I checked and I always get a little antsy, haha.
The wheels are in motion, I just have to keep going. Consequently if any production companies or agencies are reading this, feel free to shoot me a line!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
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8 comments:
"Strange things are happening in the picturesque town of Pine Falls—the local trouble making teens are going missing and showing up dead."
My advice is to give much more information in your logline. I know that all the books and stuff say, "your logline is a teaser. It's a taste to make the reader want more." But what often happens is that the loglines turn out vague or generic.
The initial problem I see with the logline is that it could be ANY horror movie. There's nothing about it that says, "This is something different. This is something awesome." It's lacking a unique angle, and it could be used for other movies. Such as, "Strange things are happening at Camp Crystal Lake. The teenage camp counselors are going missing and showing up dead." Or "Strange things are happening on Elm Street. The teenagers are going to sleep and waking up dead."
Your logline needs to showcase your awesome idea, not just fit into the mold of what a horror should look like.
But you should keep trying them out and keep getting feedback. The logline is the key to getting a script anywhere.
Good point, thanks. That's the trouble I have with loglines, I make them a little too vague.
What about "There are many secrets behind the veneer of Pine Falls as local troublemakers are winding up dead. After causing the death of one of their friends, a group of teens come face-to-face with the same fate."
Hey Mike,
You've gone from vague to confusing. The two sentences each contain their own thought and don't flow together into one story. The first sentence seems like a murder mystery movie, probably focusing on the chief of police or Hardy Boy character or something. The second sentence makes it seem like the movie is following the killers. Or is it following a group of teens who have killed and now will be killed (I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER)? So are they the bad guys or not? Whose story is it?
And what exactly is "the same fate?" Death? The wording makes it sound more unique than just a simple death, but the logline doesn't give us what that hook actually is.
This logline gives me questions about the actual mechanics of the plotline. And there are so many questions, I can't see the movie in my mind.
I think part of the problem is that you're still pulling your punches and trying to be vague and coy. You need to get right in there and tell us exactly what this movie is about. What makes it special? What makes it marketable? What will the trailer look like that will get millions of boys to pay ~$10 to see it?
I think I'm having some trouble between an actual logline and the little blurbs you read in TV guide to get you to watch the movie - so I should just be saying exactly what the movie is about?
Here goes:
"In the perfect town of Pine Falls, Reggie has just accidentally killed his best friend and to save his own skin he has made a deal with the authorities, one that will ultimately uncover the dark secrets of the town and cost a group of teens their lives."
The TV Guide "loglines" are definitely misleading. For your purposes, a logline is an agent or producer's first screening system. They need to know in that 1-2 sentences if there's enough of an idea there to make a movie and market it to the public. It's not enough to make them curious about the script, they have to be excited to read it because the idea is just too awesome.
Your latest logline is getting closer. I'd advise you to replace the name Reggie (which doesn't tell us anything) with some sort of descriptive noun and adjective ("troublemaker" "loner" etc).
The logline also become unclear about halfway through. What kind of deal is this? I have no way to even imagine what this deal could be, why the police would make it, or how it could result in other teens dying.
It's never good for the reader to have mechanical questions about the script from the logline. The logline should make me say, "Hey, I can see that movie. Hell, I can write scenes for that movie right now!"
But don't worry, loglines are notoriously difficult to write. And, sadly, many people view them as more important than the actual script.
Ahh, I see what you're saying. So many of the books I've read have been so conflicting on what should or shouldn't be in a logline that I'm all over the place with them. So, I'm halfway there with it, let's see if I can polish this one up...
"In the perfect town of Pine Falls, a popular teen has just accidentally killed his best friend, and to save his reputation he makes a deal with the cops to let his friends take the fall, a deal that will ultimately uncover the dark secrets of the town and its pact with a group of cannibalistic subhumans living and thriving in the town's wildlife refuge, a deal which will cost a group of teens their lives"
Now I feel it's kind of wordy but everything is out in the open.
Cannibalistic subhumans living in the wildlife refuge?!! Suddenly your script is looking much more interesting and unique. That little bit jumps off the page and might raise some eyebrows.
The logline's definitely getting closer, but still has some problems. You're right that it's too long and too wordy. The other problem is the disconnect between the first and second half of the logline. It makes one ask, "And a popular teen making a deal with the police relates with cannibals... how?" The two different elements haven't congealed into one coherent story yet.
We need some details to bridge the gap between the deal with the police and the cannibals. Otherwise, the cannibals really come out of left field. Here we are, set up for I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER when suddenly cannibal subhumans rampage through the town. The two don't add up... yet.
Now, after I've been saying "More info! Less vague!" I'll soon be saying "Less info! More concise!" And that's the plight of loglines. You need to decide which story elements are important and which aren't. The name of the town isn't important. The details of his crime and the deal he made could be reworded to be shorter.
"A small town's star (football player)accidentally kills his friend and convinces the police to cover it up, but the act leads the cannibals living in the town's wildlife preserve to believe that it's okay to kill teenagers."
This is kind of a dark comedy logline, but you can see how I'm trying to clarify how the story is interconnected. This isn't a great sample, but it's more in tune with what people will expect from a logline.
I see what you mean now... all of my loglines have been "this happens, then this happens" without any connection between the two. I really appreciate all the help you've been giving me on this, loglines are so tough! I think my romantic comedy logline will be a bit easier to write and I'll be putting that one up in the next week or two (then probably revising it a dozen times).
So this one is a little shorter and a little more connected... at least when I read it.
"After accidentally killing his best friend, a small-town popular teen makes a deal with the cops to set up his troublemaking friends. This leads to him uncovering a dark secret: the cops have been appeasing a group of cannibals with the town's undesirables"
So, I have my who (the popular kid), what happens (he kills his friend), what he does (sets up his friends to get in troule), and what unexpected thing happens to that plan (ZOMG CANNIBALS)... so that seems pretty connected.
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